Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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