Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
