I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
