yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
