i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
