i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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