hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
