wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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