Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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