You work out of a Hotel?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
