i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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