She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize