i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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