he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
