What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
