I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
