I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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