He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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