dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
