I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
