Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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