A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
