We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
