I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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