life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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