Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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