Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
