My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
and you fell through a lawn chair
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
