I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
don't judge my taste in strippers
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
