i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
