you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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