Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
