i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
