After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
