I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
