Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
