how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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