Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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