when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
