That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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