Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
