I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
