so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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