The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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