i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
