She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
