I cut my penus on the lid.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You left your phone here
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