If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just want nice things and good sex
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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