At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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