he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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