I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
