Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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