I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
