I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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