i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i think i have two assholes
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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