somebody snuck up and got me drunk
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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