Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
