What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize