Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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