absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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