Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
