What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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