That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
