I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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