I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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