just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
