I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Who put my cat in the fridge?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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