I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
