One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We need to get me chipped asap
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
